Jokes | Phyuck

Dangerous Goods

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 16:08:30 -0700

A doctor was addressing a large audience at Oxford.

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it...Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70 year old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"

Dear God!

Fri, 24 Feb 2012 17:32:14 -0800

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

My New Earring

Sun, 06 Nov 2011 12:29:20 -0800

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an
earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is
curious
about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

Locker Room Talk

Sat, 05 Nov 2011 20:54:01 -0700

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend Is very well endowed.

'Damn, Bob, you're hung!' Jim exclaims.. 'I wasn't always this impressive; I had to work for it.'

'What do you mean?' Jim asked.

'Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it.

'Jim agrees and the two depart'

A few months later the two are back in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!'

'Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?'

'Well, we don't use butter, so I've been using Crisco.'

Wait for it ..........

Wait ...........

You know it's coming...

Crisco!!' Bob exclaimed. '

Damn it, Jim, I told you to use butter, Crisco is shortening!

MORAL OF THE STORY: Men don't listen! You gotta follow the recipe!!

Random Jokes

Sun, 22 Nov 2009 11:56:54 -0800

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please - and one for the road."
dyslexic man walked into a bra